Join the Impact for Gay Marriage

I followed up the email to my family before the protest with another email the next day after the protest. I've only heard from one of my four siblings and she couldn't go because of work obligations. I'm hoping that hearing about how things went from me will make it more likely that they'll participate in future demonstrations, especially if they know WHY the issue of gay marriage is important to me. We'll see what happens. Here's my email:

"I went to the protest yesterday here in Columbus. There were about 1500 protesters, despite the cold weather and all the rain. (not to mention the Buckeye football game scheduled at the same time. ). Not bad for an impromptu demonstration organized over the internet just earlier this week.

I couldn’t stay for the whole thing because standing on concrete in the pouring rain and cold is NOT good for my arthritis (I still hurt this morning), but I was there for about an hour. Like any demonstration there were speakers, chants, singing – you know all the usual suspects (Not THAT kind of suspect, sorry JJD!). What really struck me about it was the number of straight people there. There was a woman who was in her late 70’s if she was a day, with a pink laminated sign hanging from her neck (we weren’t allowed to carry signs on sticks. The sticks were considered weapons.) Her sign said “I’m here for my Great-Nephew”. She had a whole handful of other signs already made up with similar sayings and she was offering those signs to complete strangers saying “Do you need one of these?” She was a really neat lady, and hardly the only person her age in the crowd.

There were demonstrations like this all over the country, but you wouldn’t know it by watching the news. Here’s the web address for a blog I read everyday that has a lot of coverage on it from the people who were there. http://www.andrewsullivan.com/. You may need to scroll down to find the coverage under Saturday, November 15, 2008 because this guy blogs a LOT. (He actually gets paid for it.) I think his coverage captures the spirit of what the demonstration was like pretty well. It was very upbeat and hopeful, despite the emotions that passage of the Proposition engendered.

And I don’t know about you, but unless you’ve ever been to a protest yourself, you’d never know from the media coverage that any demonstration could be like that. And ALL the demonstrations I’ve been to were like that. The people who participated did so because they cared about the issue. So they were all very friendly to each other – even to complete strangers. So the protest was completely peaceful. The mainstream media doesn’t give peaceful protests more than a cursory mention, if they mention them at all. So the only protests Americans hear about are the violent protests. So American associate protesting with violence. That’s hogwash. Our country was founded by protestors (Boston Tea Party, anyone?).

This protest was only the first of what will wind up being a many years long movement to make civil marriage legal in every state of our country. Most of the work of the movement won’t be demonstrations or protests, but will be community organizing, lobbying Senators and Congressman, etc. I plan to be a part of that because this means a lot to me. But it means something not just because I want to marry M. We live in Ohio, after all, and you KNOW how conservative it is. So we may not live long enough to get married here. But it means something to me because I don’t want any niece or nephew – or great-niece or great-nephew (since we have 2 coming in April!) – to have to go through what I’ve gone through. I don’t have children, but I can still leave the next generation a legacy to be proud of. And THAT’S something I care about.

I hope you’ll help too.
M&M"

Persuasion works best when you're honest and speak from the heart. Try it!

Protesting Propositon 8

This is an email that I sent to my family a couple of days ago, asking them to be part of the national Join The Impact protest yesterday. I think it's important to ask family and friends for help with changing the marriage laws. Because ultimately the only way to change minds and hearts is one at a time. And who is more likely to be persuaded than people who already love you? Tell them your story and ask for their help.

"I know that California is far away and the issue of gay marriage may seem
pretty abstract to you. It’s not to me. It’s very real and has been for a
long time. Chuck’s death, all those years ago, made the issue anything but
abstract to me.

You see he died the day after I moved into the house that we bought together. We considered that day to be the day that we got married. If we had actually been married, I would have been protected. As it was, I not only had to pay the mortgage and other bills on my salary alone, I had to pay his estate back for the portion of the down payment that he contributed. All of these bills were paid on about 1/3 of
the income we had when we qualified for the mortgage. A straight couple wouldn’t have had this problem, because the marriage license would have protected the surviving spouse. But we couldn’t get married, so I had no protection. I did manage to keep the house and to avoid bankruptcy, but only barely. And it took me 11 years to dig out of the financial mess I was left with.

So you see this is a civil rights issue. No matter how you feel about a religious marriage, a civil marriage is a separate issue. Religions are free to make whatever rules they think are right for their members. But Proposition 8, and constitutional
amendments like it in more than 20 states in the US, bars civil marriage to same
sex couples. This is institutionalizing discrimination and must be stopped.

This Saturday there is a nationwide protest of the passage of Proposition 8. I’m
going to be attending the local protest in front of the Columbus City Hall
because this is an issue that I am passionate about. I’m writing to ask you to join in the protest in your area. I’ve included a link so that you can find the details.

Pittsburgh: http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/page/Pittsburgh
Harrisburg: http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/page/Harrisburg
(sorry MED, that’s the closest I could find)

I’m asking you to join me in this protest because gays and lesbians need all the allies we can find if we ever hope to change the law. One of my favorite memories of the 1993 March on Washington DC was a group of about 12 guys on the sidelines with a sign that said “Straight Men for Gay Rights”. Their support meant a lot. History shows that civil rights are won only when there is a broad support for those rights. African Americans fought for decades for their rights, but what tipped the scales was when white American joined the protest. That’s why I’m asking for your help.

I realize this may be uncomfortable for you. Go with your spouse. Take a friend. Make a sign that says “Straight Couple for Gay Marriage”! Do what you have to do to make yourself go, but please go.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

M&M"

California Supreme Court decision on gay marriage

I've been involved in the gay marriage issue for a long time. As a member of the Pittsburgh Friends Meeting (Quakers) back in the early 1990's, the issue was one of the central questions of the meeting at the time. I won't go in to details (it took several years to get to a place where everyone felt comfortable. And explaining the Quaker method of making decisons would be a book all to itself.), but it finally culminated in re-writing the book that Meeting used for Meetings for Marriage. I was asked to work with the group of Friends re-writing the book. I can't tell you how honored I felt, since these were all people I greatly admired.

But getting TO that point was long and laborous, not to mention necessary. From a Quaker perspective, a decision can't be made unless there is not one single person in the Meeting who would stand opposed to that decision. As I'm sure everyone has seen for themselves over the last 5 or 6 years, marriage is something that many people have strong feelings about. Changing the institution riles some to the point of being irrational - on ALL sides of the issue. And if it took this long in a Quaker Meeting - individually some of the most liberal people you will find - imagine how long it will take the rest of the country! Change will come, but it will come slowly.

That being said, the CA decision is a big step forward. Especially because what they based their decision on was equal protection. They didn't proscribe a particular remedy, only that the remedy the legislature comes up with must treat both heterosexual and homosexual couples equally. It is entirely possible (and recommended, from my perspective) that the CA legislature will decide to call all committed relationships that have been legally sanctioned "civil unions" and let churches decide for themselves whether or when to call a couple's union a "marriage."

Readers of this blog may have gathered for themselves the level of commitment I have with my partner, since I refer to him as "husband". And, living in Ohio, we live in a state that has discrimination written into its constituion, when it comes to same-sex marriage. We don't feel this discrimination on an everyday basis, of course. If we did, why would we stay? But there are real ramifications of not being able to get married, and we have both felt them in the past.

Both of us have had other partners before entering this relationship. And both of us had that partner die. In my case, because my first partner wasn't out, I had to pay his estate back for the down payment for the house we had just bought together. I had to pay this back, without his income to help pay the expenses of owning a home (and his income was twice what mine was). I was working and going to school, living in a house I couldn't afford and trying desperately not to go bankrupt and lose the house. I managed, barely, but it took me 11 years to dig out of that financial mess. A mess that a married straight couple wouldn't have had to worry about, because current marriage laws protect them.

My husband, on the other hand, has not one picture of his late partner - a man he spent 10 years of his life with. His parents demanded all of his belongings after he died, because after all, why would he want them? It never crossed their minds, I'm sure.

So I guess I've seen both sides of the issue - people of all kinds who support same sex marriage and people of all kinds who don't. The time will come when this won't be an issue - either for government or for religions - but we aren't there yet. Honestly, I doubt that I will live long enough to see it. I'm not saying that because I'm pessimistic, but because I've seen how long real, lasting change can take. The thing to focus on though, is that things ARE changing for the better.